6 poisonous sentences that you should not say to your grandchildren

The holiday season is usually a time when families come together in different generations to celebrate. As grandparents you want all your family members to feel happy, loved and connected in your company. Unfortunately that does not always happen.

Sometimes unintended or even well-meaning comments from grandma and grandfather ‘can create an environment in which grandchildren feel uncomfortable or insecure’, Ann-Louise Lockhart, a child psychologist and president of a new day of pediatric psychology In San Antonio, Huffpost told.

That is why it is important to be more aware of how we communicate with our grandchildren not only during this time but throughout the year.

“It can be difficult to change the way you say things, but it is important to be deliberately with your words, and to be aware of how many words can influence the way your grandchildren think and feel about themselves and their relationship with you,” said Lockhart.

We have asked Lockhart and other experts which common sentences can best be avoided and what to say instead.

However, one comment before we dive into it: if you have previously used one of the sentences below – or happen to slip into the future – you will not be worried about it or beat yourself up.

“It is never too late to be more aware of how you approach interactions with your grandchildren,” said Andrea Dorn, a psychotherapist and author of the “Mindful Steps” Children’s Book series.

Maybe it sneaks your grandchildren an extra Christmas cookie (or two) behind their parents, or let them stay past their bedtime and whisper: “It will be our little secret.” Every time you encourage your grandchildren to love their parents, it can be harmful, told atlanta’s clinical psychologist, Zainab Delawalla.

“It undermines the parental authority, which can have long -term consequences,” she said. “Moreover, it models for children that they may be in situations where it is in their ‘best interest’ not to tell their parents. This can be especially dangerous if a child is cared for by a predator or feels bad about himself because he is being bullied. “

Instead, you want to strengthen the importance of being honest with their parents – whatever happens.

“Grandparents can find other ways to found on their grandchildren without crossing the boundaries that have set their parents,” said Delawalla.

Comments about the body or weight of a child are a “huge no,” said Lockhart, because they can contribute to body image and problems of self -respect.

“As responsible adults, it is our duty to support and encourage children to have faith in their own skin,” she said. “Let’s avoid making comments that can harm their self -esteem and can lead to insecurity. I constantly hear about it in my practice of young children through adults. Her comments from grandparents such as these are remembered and re -played. “

Dorn also told Huffpost that all comments or comparisons about physical appearance can be problematic. This includes things like: “Have you lost weight?” Or “Wow, you are so much bigger than your brother now!”

“The problem with comments about physical appearance or comparisons with others is that they put an increased focus on the importance of external characteristics in relation to internal properties,” she said.

Instead, she suggested saying something like: ‘It’s great to see you again! I missed time with you. How are you? ” Open questions about the current interests, activities or hobbies of your grandchildren are also great.

“Being really interested in who children are on the inside helps them to feel and heard themselves, and sends the message that every person can be appreciated as they are now and that people are more than just what they look like or what they wear,” Dorn said.

Any comments about the food intake of your grandchildren – “You eat so quickly,”

“Learning about food and famine signals is an important development step in childhood,” said Dorn. “Comments about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ eating habits can influence children to adjust their eating behavior in response to the comments or perspective of another, instead of following the signals that their bodies sends them. It can also cause feelings of shame or confusion in the moment or over time. “

It is really not necessary to comment on the board of your grandch member or their eating habits. But if you are going to say something, Dorn advised to focus on the importance of listening to someone’s body.

“You can also model this exercise by listening to your own body and stop when you feel full and eat when you feel hungry,” she said. “Modeling good eating habits is more important than all the comments we can make.”

The over -stimulation and the lack of routine around the holidays have a way to bring out major emotions and difficult behavior in children. When you see your grandchild acting unreasonably while you open a mountain of presents or throw a fit because they don’t get their way, you might be inclined to make a comment about how spoiled they are.

But before you do that, consider this – children who exercise this time of the year are quite common and normal. If this kind of behavior happens fairly consistently, it probably has less to do with the child and more to do with the way they are praised.

Such as Ryan Howes, a clinical psychologist from Pasadena, California, told Huffpost: “If they act with the title and thankless, this may be a behavior that they have learned or modeled for them, perhaps even something that was strengthened by their parents. So giving all guilt is not fair. Suck it up or talk to the parents, but keep the judgment for yourself. ‘

As a grandparent, it is obvious to make contact with your grandchildren in this way, especially if you are so excited to see them. Many children may not feel comfortable to give hugs and kisses on request, and it is important for the adults in their lives to respect this.

“Although this sentence is probably filled with love and a completely normal desire to promote proximity and connection with a child, it can also unintentionally remove the right of a child to autonomy and put pressure on them to leave and reconsider their body limits,” Dorn said. “This can send confusing messages about permission.”

To respect the limits of your grandchildren, you could formulate this instead as a question: ‘I would like to give you a hug. Is that okay? “

But if they say ‘no’, accept their answer and continue.

“Make sure you don’t push further or use guilt with a comment like: ‘Please, just one? I am your grandmother/grandfather! “Said Dorn. “A useful thing to do instead is keeping the mood light and saying something like:” Ok! I love you so much and can’t wait to hear everything you have done. “

You can also propose other ways to connect, such as waving hello or goodbye, or giving a fist bump or a High Five.

“Children often have the feeling that they do not have much self -determination, so it can be a powerful message to send those important adults in their lives, will respect their body limits, whatever happens,” Dorn said. “This approach also reinforces the idea that physical affection is a personal choice, promoting a healthy understanding of boundaries and permission in other areas of their lives.”

Parenting styles and best practices change over time. You may have raised your children in a different way than your adult children now raise their own children.

“Of course grandparents grew up in a different era with different habits and standards, and it is of course to comment on the differences,” said Howes. “There is nothing inherently wrong with pointing out these awards, but it is very easy to come across those comments as shame. By being ashamed, I mean explaining that one way was correct and another is wrong, and that there is something wrong with the grandchild or their parents. “

In general, it is best to keep those comments with yourself, unless you see “important blind spots or areas that may be harmful to the child,” said Howes. “Even then it is best to worry about the parents instead of the grandchild.”

Sharing these kinds of judgments or negative comments about the parenting choices of your adult child with your grandchildren is not a good idea, he said.

“If grandparents have a beef with how their child is parenting, they have to bring it to them or keep it to themselves, but let the grandchildren out,” said Howes.